"Shadow"ing the Past

Last night, I went to see Shadow go. He's April's standardbred that is also from SRF where Spyder's from. You read about her coming to watch my Danny lesson, and I thought I'd be great to see him go so I could remember where I was just a few years back. Dom, from this blog, who has also helped me in the past helps Shadow get going, and gives April direction as she did with me. Dom rode him for the first part of the hour, and April got on to ride after.

He hasn't been under saddle long (a month or two), and he's already further than I would have thought (and where I was at this point). He's got a great work ethic and doesn't get frustrated like Spyder would. He stands great to be tacked up, and doesn't have the nippy tendencies Spyder has since he's 15 (I think). When you get Shadow moving, he frames up nicely and can hold a trot for a decent amount of time. He's to the point where his transitions are coming along from a put together trot to a few steps of pace, then back to a trot. Spyder had zero coordination and balance, and for the longest time, he could not get the pace to trot transition. I would have to stop him and then ask him to trot again. GO SHADOW!

I think Shadow will be a much easier horse to bring along than the one I got! When you put leg on him, you can see him thinking. With Spyder, he would think, but it involved anger and the thought of bucking/kicking out. Shadow's such a pleasant horse, and I'm so happy I got to remember where I was just two years back (less the angry horse). We've come SO far, and April and Shadow are going to catch up quickly! I've been in the initial phases of looking for a decent horse trailer so we can potentially ride together on trails and get to some shows. Hopefully Shadow and Spyder get along as well as April and I do. It's great to have such a support system, and April saw the beginning of that when I posted a picture of her horse on Facebook, and other stb owners had great things to say!

Blurry Shadow and Dom getting on the bit

When I got home, I realized that I had driven out to Howell which is where one of my old horses was. When I was looking through my e-mail to give Dom a name of a person that I couldn't recall, I found where I had e-mailed the woman who had Jamboree in the past. It brought up great memories of how sweet she was, and I thought I'd try to follow up with the woman since it had been a while. Going back, I saw that she sent me a picture in 2008. In 2011, she followed up with me to let me know that she was retired because she had a bad knee and may have some issues going on because she had growths. I do remember her having one lump when I had her, but it didn't bother her.

If you didn't read about all of my past pets (at the top of the page, I have a link), Jamboree was the sweetest horse I had ever known. I had gotten her from a family friend for the price of them having fed her a month, and she was skin and bones. I can't believe they had been feeding her for that long because she was HORRIBLE looking when I got her. They purchased a horse from a local dealer, and Jamboree came with her for free (why not?). I worked at a camp teaching lessons, and one of the girls I worked with had actually had her skin and bones in the past (I'm thinking she unloaded her to this dealer, but I'm not positive). Her coggins were from Florida so I did some research and found the farm where she was. They had gotten her in similar condition, as well. POOR HORSE! They were nice enough to send me a photo of her jumping which gave me hope that my big TB would be back healthy and jumping once she got weight on her.

How horrible she looked the week I brought her home.

The only problem with her was that she wouldn't load. I had a horse trainer come out that was supposedly a "horse whisperer", and he worked with her a few hours before telling me there was nothing he could do to help me. This was after I would put food in the trailer and leave her to figure out how to eat (which was horrible because she hadn't eaten in the past and was TERRIFIED of the trailer for some reason - It sort of worked to get her used to being around it, but she hated going in it). My plans of the "perfect show horse" were shattered because we couldn't take her to shows or to my trainer for lessons. When I went to college, Jamboree needed to find a home because I had sold Shayne (you can read about him at that same link - I have a picture of the two of them there), and she was lonely. I wasn't getting home enough to ride, so I posted an ad and weeded through the good and bad replies.

She was filling out nicely

Dirty, but a much happier horse

The day this woman Susan came, I ran home from school and was thinking about Jamboree's trailering issue. I was hopeful that she wouldn't get in because then, I had more time to accept the fact that she was leaving. We worked with her for a bit, and putting a cloth over her eyes, we got her in the trailer in no time. I couldn't hold myself together. I worked SO hard to get her somewhere to work with a trainer so we could show, and it wasn't that hard for 3 of us to get her in for me to say goodbye forever. I had already given them her special feed, oil for extra fat, blanket, personalized halter, personalized bucket, etc. Since they had everything they needed, and I was sobbing, I just turned for the back door. They had asked me if I was OK, and I couldn't even talk to them. They left, and I couldn't watch the trailer go.

In 2008, I asked for information, and they had sent me a picture in which she looked TERRIBLE (not as bad as when I got her by far, but she needed weight). I couldn't help but ask them if they were feeding her like I suggested and reminded them that I gave them what they needed to keep feeding her per vet discussions. The woman didn't answer me because she was not happy with what I said to her. In 2011, I gained the courage to e-mail her again, and all she let me know was they still had her. I pried for more information, and they said they had gotten her vetted in which they found she had a bad knee and had to be a pasture mate (not sure what happened because she was vetted clear when I got her). They also mentioned that they thought the lump she had was melanoma, but it didn't seem to bother her.

Since I came across the e-mail address yesterday, I figured I would give it a shot and see how she's doing. I was surprised to get a response because they stopped responding to me again (I requested to go see her), but I got this back, "Jamboree passed away last year! We had to have the poor baby girl put down the cancer finally won the battle after a year and a half. She had a good life and a few months after she passed away, her boyfriend died. I think it was a broken heart he was never the same after she was gone. Hope all is well." And so I cried on the way to work today when I got this e-mail, and I cried writing this. She taught me so much, and I will never forget that amazing and strong horse. She never held what people did to her against them and loved with all she had.

Questions and Concerns

Barn 2 is the "adult barn"... it's a place where people have "pets" and not the hobby of horseback riding. OK... that's not true for EVERYONE there, but it is for the most part. It's nice, but I'm not there just to chat all the time. Again, it's not 100% true that all they do is hang out, but they definitely don't ride much. Those that ride are on a different schedule so I never see too many people at the farm.

The few that ride when I do are people that I wouldn't trust on a trail to react in a safe manner in the event something happened. Again, this is not everyone, but a general assumption. There are a few kinds of people: the ones that I wouldn't trail ride out with, the ones that won't trail ride, and the ones that don't even ride. That about sums it up. This really doesn't help with switching up Spyder's routine or getting him used to being in the ring with other horses. He's always been behaved at shows, but he gets bored there just as much as he is getting at the farm.

Now how could he be bored? Well, it's me. I won't go on a trail alone, and I very rarely ride over to the "kid's barn" where the indoor is located. The jumps over there are always smaller, but I've been too lazy or not had enough time to get over there. There is SO much to do all over, though - trails, water, track, rings, dressage, jumps, cross country, etc. Any barn closer (or further for that matter) doesn't have nearly the amount of amenities that we have at our disposal. This price is also hard to beat for less things to do. A huge factor is safety. I'm not going to ride out and get hurt and then hope someone finds me or I am OK. Am I scared or just cautious? Not sure.

The problem? The lack of people to ride with. It gets SO boring riding on your own over and over again. I don't try new things for fear of getting hurt and being alone when it happens, if it happens. Do i get a trailer? If I got one, would I use it enough? Would not having a truck limit me? This is debatable because my dad has an extra, in-laws have an extra, and brother-in-law has one; however, they are all within 25 - 45 minutes away - with another 25 minutes to an hour from each location I borrowed a truck. If I had a trailer, where would I go and who would I go with? Is there even a point to getting one?

There is a farm in my development. Yes, I could walk there, BUT it's $100 more and it's just an outdoor ring and an indoor. The place has heat/air conditioning for the indoor, stalls, and tack area, but you are so limited. It's a huge lesson barn, and where you can ride depends on the schedule. Another fault, they only do 1/2 day turn out. While each horse gets their own stall, they can only be turned out for 12 hours because there is limited field space. I think Spyder would go crazy which in turn, would make me go crazy.

So, there leaves the dilemma, and I need a plan for the big picture and the smaller one. Where should we be? What do I want to be doing with my horse? Can that be done in the current situation? What are my smaller goals and how can I gear training towards them? I feel like we've lost this touch and I don't know what to do. Good think I have a honeymoon to go on. I'll have a lot of time to think about it.

Continuing On

December got us to the point where we could canter pretty frequently. I felt discouraged because we were working in circles, and I couldn't always get Spyder to go. He's a super lazy horse when it comes to working in a routine that gets frustrated when you ask him things over and over again. The problem with not asking is that he doesn't go, and so I am stuck. I really hope that this is something we'll work towards getting to a better point, and I am sure that it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't always ask 100%. I do feel more confident with someone on the ground.

Why do I feel more confident with someone on the ground? This is because my horse is a grump when he's asked to work plus he is still confused with the canter. Obviously it's not something he was allowed to do during a race so maybe he thinks it's bad? We always laugh when he does canter on his own because he's doing it to act out. When he has these moods, it's great because he's willing to do it; therefore, I don't get the grunting and kicking out that I usually do. Once he works past those moments, his canter is a dream. He has a 3-beat canter which I thought would be unlikely coming from him. I most definitely thought we'd have some 4-beat mess, but am glad to know that it looks "normal" when he's got it in the front and back.

In order to push the canter forward, we worked on jumping in previous months. That encouraged the motion, and since he loves to jump, he loves to move which results in nice cantering. Our issue at this point is moving straight because I never would guide him over a jump and let him turn after. We did some grid work to help out the forward and straight motion.

I do apologize that this video is very blurry, but you get the point. Encouraging the straight line continues to be an issue since we've worked in circles so many times prior to this, but it was half decent. I also got to work on getting him to move to the way of the lead he landed on. My instructor would call out what lead he was on, and I would go in that direction to encourage his brain to work like it should. He's always been great with picking up his right leads, too! What's great is that we do have some sort of a system for being asked, but I can't always get the right button. When we can finally work together, I get so happy, but the moving forward part is still an issue. I'm sure that with time, it will come, and we have a lot to work on in the mean time. I am happy to say that one of my last rides, I was able to push through him wanting to stop.

I'm happy also knowing that I used to get excited when we cantered at all. This was uncontrollable and just a way to encourage him to do it if he decided to do it on his own or if I pushed him into it without trying. He would get a lot of praise and was certainly confused being allowed to do it. It went from just going for as many strides as he wanted to give to asking him to do it for a few strides. Once we could get past a few strides (and kicking out), we worked on a bit of steering with the circles and the jumps to turn the direction of the lead he landed on. From there, we were able to ask for a little bit more which led to me being able to push him through his laziness and desire to stop. Even though it was just a few strides past where he wanted to stop, I can say I had a huge smile on my face. I never thought that something so simple would make me so happy, but I knew we were finally getting somewhere.

Once it dries out some, I plan on working on more jumping since that seems to pick up Spyder's mood and gives him something to think about. It keeps me happy to know he gets excited to do something different since we've been working on way too much dressage! I did end up getting a dressage saddle (which I have yet to use) so that I can work on my posture, as well. For Christmas, I got the final pieces to use it, but I haven't had the right day to see how the saddle will work for me. Since I've been going to the chiropractor, I think it will help ease some of my back pain that I get from being tense while riding and forward in my jumping saddle. I talk about how Spyder has a lot of work to do, but so do I. I need to get my heels down and my butt in the saddle. Hopefully 2013 will bring some better etiquette from both of us as a team.

Jumping Over the Fear

In October, we kept moving forward with jumping. With Dom, we jumped and pushed into a canter and tried to keep Spyder moving after a jump. With my trainer, we worked on jumping and then trying to stay in a straight line after the jump. It was good to work on both ways considering that we were new to this jumping thing. I had done a few small jumps out in the big ring and was so happy to have conquered the wishing well on our own. With Dom back in September, we worked on refining the crossrail with steering and moved up to verticals. Whenever she comes down to the farm, she always has a goal or idea in mind of how we will be put to the test. Here are some pictures of our victory.


Ok, I can do this! I look just as determined as he does.

His first take off - oh wow, what is this?




















A little higher, and better form. He's getting the hang of it.

What comes with jumping is the canter. It is natural to my horse, and he tends to pick the gait coming out of jumps. I knew that we would soon be working on refining it as well as asking for it on the flat which made me excited, but got me down since winter was approaching quickly. The end of autumn was exciting and a let down, but the mild months have been wonderful!

Since the dark was getting to me, I decided I would attempt a ride over to the indoor which is just two doors down, but I knew I needed assistance. I am a timid rider when I am nervous, and being in the dark does not help! Dom let me know that I didn't have to worry, and that a horse could see better than a human at night. Was that good or bad? The prior winter was cold, and we were spoiled with our trailered lessons to the indoor next door. I would tack up before getting Spyder on the trailer so we unloaded from our two minute trip and get right to work. I wanted to try to get there without a trailer since that is not always an option which is why Dom came to help.

Dom got on Spyder in the dark to show me how she would tackle a nervous horse. Turns out, he wasn't nervous, and I am the problem here. Once, we attempted to get over to the other farm, and it didn't go too well so I assumed I would have the same issue. The funny part was me whipping out a flashlight. Dom was like,  "Umm, what's that for?"  Little did I know, horses can see just fine at night, and the light would only make reflections and shadows of things around the farm more scary. You learn something new every day, and I can say I learned something new about night rides. He was so good for her since she is firm rider and a great leader which is what I lack at times. There is no way I could have done that in the dark, but I wondered if he would act differently if I had just ridden him over alone vs having someone on the ground. He rode quietly over to the indoor where I hopped on to ride around for a bit. He hadn't been over there in a while, and he was quiet in the indoor. What a great horse!

I worked on pushing him into corners and going round at the same time. What I didn't know is that my spurs were making him a cranky horse. I got so used to riding in them and pointing my toes out, that I was riding funny. Dom let me know that when I used them, Spyder's reaction was not pleasant. He was and is such a creature of habit, and where I asked him to move forward, he expected my spur to poke him in the side. Every time we would get to the place I used my spur, he would look and anticipate a poke in the side. No wonder why he gives me fits every now and then. I would if I was getting spurred in the side! The canter still gets me the attitude issue because I do wear spurs, but I am learning how to better utilize my leg, the angle of my foot in the stirrup, and voice commands since he responds to those in a quiet manner. Well, maybe not completely quiet, but better.

I remember this experience well because it was so great to know I had a trusting horse that would try something new in the event he had a confident rider. It was time to suck it up! On the way back from working on bending and pushing into corners in the indoor, I rode my horse back. Visibly nervous, Dom assured me that nothing was going to happen. I had to tell him to go, let him look if he wanted to, wait for him to relax, and then decide to walk forward on his own. This had to be his idea,  and I had to reinforce it. This is when i realized that I was now jumping, starting to canter more often, and pushing through fear. What a wonderful night to reflect back on our accomplishments and encouragement from others...

...and then a new fear came. Not a fear from myself or Spyder, but a noise. A crazy, scary, screeching bark type of noise that didn't scare the horse a bit. Dom and I on the other hand, we looked at each other and said, "Oh my God, what was that?" THAT was not a sound I had ever heard growing up in the woods or on a farm... or on a farm in the woods... EVER! The moon was illuminating the path coming up the driveway where the noise was not far, but we didn't see anything. We heard it again, and then a cat came running out of the woods in front of us. We both jumped, gasped, and Spyder just kept walking like nothing even occurred to him. We both swear we heard the Jersey Devil that night. I guess my horse isn't afraid of that myth.

The few times that Dom's come out, I've realized that I hold our progress back. I'm nervous at times, and I don't try new things if I failed at the first attempt. I know now that I need to become a better leader, and understand what my horse is telling me. After we get past the barriers that I put up, we'll get much further.

Guilt

I felt really guilty for getting to the point where I did with Spyder with his behavior and slump on learning. I wasn't sure what I did wrong, but I did blame myself for pushing him too hard. I do think he was tired of me asking for too many new things, so we had to go back a few steps before we could go forward.

My call with Dom that I spoke about in the last post was an emotional explosion of my thoughts. I wasn't convinced that I would be able to progress his training (and listening to others wasn't helping). I didn't feel we could move forward and get back to a show or a lesson where I didn't have to explain myself. With gaited horses, they were taught to do a certain thing, and I couldn't get past that fact that I would teach him how to trot and canter vs the pace, then get somewhere and look like I didn't teach him a thing. I thought long and hard, and was this what I signed up for? I didn't want to admit defeat, but I had many conversations with Chris about my confusion in terms of my horse.

Did I screw up? Was he what I wanted? Would I ever be able to get back to where he was? Should I give him back? What if he's not happy being ridden? I was all over the place with my thoughts. Chris was a big part in convincing me to step back and look at the big picture. Was I having fun? He was sick of listening to how much I loved my horse one day and how I had the worst ride the next. That was such a loaded question, and I honestly wasn't sure if I was having fun. Chris came to the show where all of the pacing started, and he could see my frustration which wasn't helping Spyder calm down. He suggested that I take a break and I get help. I didn't need to finish the show and get both of us worked up more than we already were. I needed to decide for myself (and not listening to other people) if this is what I wanted. Chris was very right, and I'm glad he showed up at the fairgrounds to see the start of all of my confusion.

The conversation before Dom came out went just as that...  Was he going in the direction of what I was looking to do? I felt like such a failure and felt so guilty for having the "I can give him back" attitude. Dom's assessment was so helpful, and she let me know that he was perfectly capable and willing to do as he was asked. She asked me all kinds of questions... Do you want to show? Do you need to show right now? Are you looking to jump him? Are you having fun? Are you willing to bring a more consistent routine? All of these questions led me to believe it was possible, I just had to assess the situation. I think that what I was doing with him and what I wanted to be doing with him were two very different circumstances.

Was I having fun? Not always, but when I did, it was reassuring to feel as happy as I did. Those great rides where we both understood what each other were the moments that made me realize I should have never thought so negatively. Loosening up on his rein and just letting him find the trot and his balance helped so much. It turned into trotting around the farm, and not fighting each other around the farm. Once we could trot without fighting each other, we could work on going round again. Chris and Dom were both such a help in my decision to do what made myself and my horse happy. Taking each moment one step at a time, working on patience, and pushing through the hard times were a few of the lessons learned.

To date, I can't think of another situation that has taught me so much in terms of listening to myself, taking advice, not doing as others say you should, thinking for myself, gathering patience, looking at the big picture, and figuring it out. No, I didn't do it on my own, but I felt like the people around me cared enough to give me the resources to make that decision for myself. Not by telling me what they thought, but by getting the questions to me for my decision - and not for anyone else. I would say the guilt was worth the lessons learned and the journey I've been able to overcome with my horse.

The Journey Begins

 So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, Spyder comes to Split Elm...

First day at the farm

His new stall - Day 1

I have notes on some of my very first lessons, and we've come a long way, but I'll start from when he knew just about nothing. It was hard finding a place to start being that I never started a horse rather than a young one. I mean it is what I wanted, but was I ready for this? I was excited and nervous at the same time. Umm, why did I pick this horse? What do you teach a horse that only knows, "OK, there's a rider my my back. Cool, now what?"

Paddock to himself - he's changed so much!

I'd say I taught him something looking back, but mainly because I had direction from my lessons and instructors. I am very glad that I have people that can help guide me in this process of, "What do I do now?" So back to my notes. I believe he came to the farm on my Mom's birthday, July 15 so he had just turned 4. He went out in a ring by himself for at least a week to get used to the new place and figure it all out. I rode him a few times in the round pen as a caution of what could have happened being that he was young and may have been scared? What did I know? I got on him and he didn't care! I took him out in the field to graze for a bit on a lead to bond and what does he spook at? A LOG! A LOG that doesn't move! Oh boy, what did I get into?

Back to lessons - I didn't even get there yet because of my rambling... they start with "steering and going". Wow, embarrassing and beyond what I could teach a horse myself? I have those same comments for 1 lesson each week for 5 weeks. 5 weeks of steering and going, here we go. We did most of this in the pen where he was turned out by himself since he was used to the area on the farm, and then moved to the grass area that has some cross country jumps for looks that was next to this ring. Come September, we worked on moving off of leg to add in a new test. At the end of September, we were able to start to work on developing a canter to see how that would go - not TOO bad. My horse liked to throw in some small bucks in the beginning, but nothing that could get me off. It's weird, but I think they are fun to push through.

His first show - AC 4-H

Come October, we moved to a new area on the track, conquering one area of the farm at a time. We would alternate between his paddock where he was turned out originally, the side field, and the track which made learning more interesting with all kinds of new scenery. This month we got to work on more cantering, and now pacing his trot since he was starting to get the hang of what he was being asked to do. In the middle of the month, we went to an open show at the Atlantic County 4-H fairgrounds which was something new. I wasn't sure how it would go, but we did the "older and bolder" division so we could stick to walk/trot. He was PERFECT! In the ring he threw one fit because another horse cut him off, but I was just happy to have made it out alive, and as Grand Champion might I add. Ok, I know, I know, it's 4-H, but I'm still happy that we did well. It was fun competing with "normal" horses on a pacer because people wouldn't have known the difference if his big head didn't give it away! We even did the cross rail class which was just 2 jumps because we were having so much fun. I never jumped him, but he tried his best (and threw in some exciting pace steps between the two jumps)! We summed up this month with cantering a bit more. What a beginning!

November was a bit colder and somewhat muddy so we would go over to the indoor one night a week for practice in the trailer (yeah, like standardbreds need practice with that) and for something different. This month, December, and January were spent mainly in the indoor where we got to work on a little bit of jumping, ground poles, more cantering, pacing the trot, and transitions. It was fun knowing that a horse with a standardbred trot could collect and slow it down a bit. Man, they have HUGE gaits! We did get outside a few times this winter - on the track was one of those days where we got to practice with puddles. Water is such a scary thing to trot through, but we got through it.

In February, we got to work in the dressage ring in the big field since we worked on our circles and speeds to practice a test. Flat work was never my thing, but I was so proud to see that I was becoming a better rider from it, and I did all of this along with my horse that became a better ride. February began moving off of leg which has helped our flat work and bending out quite a bit! I never thought I would do so many quarter lines, but they went from omg, my leg is killing me because you won't move over to just closing my leg and having him move out... such a great feeling! Spyder hurt himself in the field like any playful 4 year old would (knee injury/cut and was swollen) so we had a week off which I'm sure he loved! He managed to do this while I was 6 hours away one weekend skiing in Vermont - thank goodness for farm owners that live on property!

Late February, March, and April brought more scenery between the indoor, dressage ring, track, round pen, and field. Circling objects became a huge accomplishment being that our steering wasn't all that great, but I knew it was getting there. Going round became a new feat which was fun, but also added confusion to the mix being that I was not always focused which confused my poor horse. I had to think about too many things - move forward, keep trotting, go this way, now go round, now keep going this way, ok, now turn, ugh, no, go round again... whoo, this was work! I'm so happy that I have a horse that puts up with me and is so patient, kind, and forgiving... if only I could obtain those qualities.

April - the first of us going round!

At the end of April, I had a hard time with Spyder after attending an open 4-H show. We signed up for the older and bolder classes again, but he was not very happy to be there. Maybe it was my nerves because he was so fresh, but it was not fun. Spyder never really does anything THAT bad. He might grunt or kick out because he's frustrated, but this was I hate you, I don't want to be here, I'm going to do a tiny rear thing and turn how I want to turn and do what I want to do. My nerves and frustration led to pacing which was 1) not fun 2) super fast and 3) not what you do at an open english show? I didn't make it to our jumping classes because we were both frustrated with each other, and I knew something was up.

May came and I rode on my own, without lessons to try to figure out our issues. Why did my horse trot and trot and trot and now decide to pace? What happened at the show? What did I do wrong? Did I push too hard? I needed to decide what to do, how to get help, and who to ask questions to. It was almost a year of moving forward but something had to push us back - what was it?