The Past, Present, and Future

We've gotten to the 15 minute hand walking period which resumes until the end of the month before going up to 20 whole minutes. It'll be a month the first of June, wow. Where did summer go? Did it even come? I am reflecting on riding, and I regret not making arrangements to be back in the saddle sooner. I wasted summer.

I have yet to schedule the next appointment, and it's because I've been coping with this whole situation in the worst way. Getting to the barn, I get excited that Spyder is happy to see me. It's just because he's bored out of his mind and looks forward to his daily treats and little bit of doing something. He wants a job, and I want him to have a job. What if he can't get a "real" job back? The thoughts of what might happen leaves me unsure, upset, and teary eyed. I've cried about it enough prior to the diagnosis, and I thought that would end once I got an answer. Now that I have a "probably" on the diagnosis, I'm still not sure what to think and it upsets me every day. It makes it really hard to stay positive, but I realize it is also not the only thing keeping me down lately. It's one piece to this puzzle of this emotions I've been mixed up in.

Did you ever look back or in the present and think to yourself ... What the heck am I doing? What have I become? Who are my friends? What could I have done to prevent this or that from happening? What can I change? What do I even like to do any more? I'm usually not much of a thinker or a worrier. I don't stress often, but something has been provoking these thoughts, and I think it's this bad attitude that I've been displaying in every aspect of my life. I don't like how I've been acting one bit. Obviously, living in the present and taking each day as it comes is the most important thing to do, but I have to stop and think about those questions. From there, I need to reevaluate where I am and what I'm thinking and turn that into something good. I'm insanely lucky and have worked hard to get where I am, and I can't let these first world hassles in life bring me down. Chin up, move forward.

I have a short break in grad school (if my transfer goes through) so I am hoping to get in more me time to relax and bring back some old goals that I've put aside and set new ones. Not having that release from doing what I love most, riding, has put such a hurt on my attitude. I need to make new and different attempts at finding something else that will keep me focused and remember to have fun. I need to expect less of people, lighten up, and go back to caring less. Is this what happens when you turn 27?